


The Minutes and the Hours Pass

by HeroSavesPeople



Category: The Flash (TV 2014), westallen
Genre: Angst, F/M, Post-Break Up, Romance, Westallen AU, and Iris is a journalist still because I love her as a journalist, where Barry is a workaholic detective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-05-23
Packaged: 2019-03-08 06:39:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13452630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeroSavesPeople/pseuds/HeroSavesPeople
Summary: They may no longer be together anymore, but Barry can't go a day without seeing her so he makes do with the glimpses of her he catches as he walks past her building.Until that afternoon she catches him.**Now a series of one-shots that show snippets of their relationship in this AU.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is meant to be a one-shot because I don't trust myself to start a full-length story considering I still have a CS fic still in progress smh. I apologize if it's confusing because there's a backstory that isn't delved into, but I wanted to write a piece about honesty and reconciliation with hope for new beginnings. Hope you guys enjoy it!

He walks down the snow-covered path with his fists bunched in his coat pocket, shoulders hunched forward. He walks with a demeanor of someone who was aimless and had no destination but, that was far from the truth.

 

His destination was always the same. Her.

 

It had been three months since they last spoke and he was still struggling to let go. It almost scared him how empty he felt without her, so much so that he was driven to walk by her place of work everyday just to catch a glimpse.  Even a small moment where his eyes fell upon her beauty, he would take it.  She was everything to him and she would always be his home. 

 

The night she left him, taking her scarce belongings with her,  all traces of her gone, he felt as though his heart had fallen into his stomach and his lungs had collapsed on him.  What had filled years of emptiness and loneliness was now gone and it was all his fault.  He had lied to her about the case he was working on and what was going on.  How he had been obsessively looking for the man that had killed his mother and sent his father to jail where he died two years later.  His fear had driven him to keep secrets from her, worrying that the one good thing in his life would be fated to end the same way his parents did. 

 

He doesn't blame her for being upset, he doesn't blame her for wanting to be with someone that could be honest with her and be with her the way she deserved.  But, he wanted to be that person because no one had ever brought warmth and love into his life the way Iris did and would do anything for her.   

 

And the moment he realized he had hurt her too much that nothing he could say would change her mind, he stood still in the middle of the living room, incapable of moving and barely breathing.  It was his fault.  He had no one to blame but himself.  He had gotten so used to the endless cycle of working and working to fill the void and forget his loneliness that when Iris came into his life, he didn't know how to change his ways.  He didn’t realize until it was too late that he finally had something pure and true to live for: love. 

 

And now, here he is, three months later walking up to her place of work everyday just hoping that he could catch a glimpse.  Because in that moment when his eyes settled upon her beautiful face, he felt healed for just a moment.  A brief moment, but still a moment. 

 

She never noticed him because he didn’t stay long, realizing how strange he was being and how abnormal his behavior was.  Not enough to stop, but enough to keep moving after a minute.  He didn’t know if he wanted her to notice him or not, the trepidation made his heart race, not knowing what was going to happen.  But, she never did notice him.   

 

But that day, she notices him.  She looks beautiful as she always did in a dress that he hadn't seen before.  She's talking to a collegue as she walks up to the window to show a display when she glances out, her eyes catching his.     

 

His heart spikes in the way it always does when she looks at him.  He doesn't know what he expects to see in her eyes all these months later, but there's a sense of relief when he doesn’t see the same betrayal she had that night. 

 

He stands still, frozen under her gaze, part of him wanting to run away and the stronger part of him wanting to run straight through the glass to her.  He doesn’t know how long they look at each other, countless emotions flickering through, but he finally moves and takes a step away from the window, mouthing the words _I'm sorry_.

 

Sorry for ever hurting her, sorry for not fighting hard enough for them, sorry for invading her space…for everything.

 

He finally turns, breaking the spell and walks away, breathing harder than he should have been.  He's almost made it across the street, reaching the next block when she hears him.  He stops abruptly in his place because he will always stop at the sound of her voice.

 

"Barry!"

 

He turns slowly, his hands clenching and unclenching in his coat pocket.  He sees her jogging down the sidewalk, slipping on her coat as she goes.  She looks in either direction, waiting for the cars to pass so that she can cross.  He keeps his eyes on her as he crosses the street again, back to her and suddenly he's right in front of her and somehow in the frigid air, he feels the heat of her body. 

 

She seems stunned by the sudden closeness, but she doesn't move.  Neither of them moves or says anything until Iris is abruptly thrown against him by a passing pedestrian.  He catches her in his arms and he's ashamed to admit, he pulls her closer than he was allowed before he guides her to onto the sidewalk. 

 

"Are you ok?" he murmurs. 

 

Iris smiles lightly, brushing a lock of hair away from her face.  "Yeah, I'm fine."  She looks away for a moment, pulling her coat tighter against her before looking back.  "Um, do you want to go somewhere?"

 

Barry looks at her for a moment, wondering if he was hallucinating.  "Somewhere?"

 

"Yeah.  Warmer, preferably.  We’re going to catch our death out here." 

  
  
Barry is still stunned but manages to stutter out, "Yeah, yeah of course.  Anywhere you want."

 

Iris rubs her arms vigorously with ungloved hands and he fights every instinct to envelope her in his arms and breathing warmth into her hands.  "Jitters ok?" she asks. 

 

Barry nods his head and steps aside to let her lead.  She looks up at him with a shy smile and walks back toward her workplace.  She doesn't say anything on the way over and neither does he, his mind racing with so many thoughts and questions and he didn't know where to begin so he lets her lead. 

 

When they make their way inside Jitters, Iris walks toward the tables in the back instead of the order counter.  She looks back at him and gestures with her head to follow, which he does without hesitation.  As they settle down in their seats opposite one another, Barry asks, "You didn't want a drink?"

 

"Oh, don't worry about it.  Someone will be over."  And just as if she conjured someone up with magic, someone did come by and took their order.  Iris handed a black card to the girl and looked back at Barry.  "One of the perks of working next door."

 

"That's new," he says.  "How is work?"

 

"Pretty well," she shrugs.  "Same as ever.  You?"

 

"Ok," he murmurs.  "Nothing different."

 

They get their drinks and Iris wraps her hands around the wide mug, shivering as she does.  Iris looks up and hesitates as though contemplating what to say.  "The case is going well?"

 

Barry starts at that.  He wasn't expecting Iris to bring it up considering it was his deception that brought about the end of their relationship.  She must have recognize the expression on his face because she continues.  "I was upset, Barry, but I care.  I just didn't like being lied to on an hourly basis and sharing a life with a near stranger." 

 

Her words sting and he rubs his chest as though it manifested in a physical way.  He nods though, swallowing a bitter gulp of coffee.  He hadn't been sleeping for awhile and the dark circles under his eyes was a clear indicator. 

 

"I understand," he says, his voice suddenly raspy.  "I didn't just lie to you, I let you down.  And I haven’t forgiven myself ever since."  He looks up at her and sees her eyes glistening. 

 

She clears her throat and looks away for a moment.  "There was a reason why I wanted to talk to you.  I just…I feel like the way that I left things was unfair."

 

Barry opens his mouth to disagree but Iris cuts him off.  "It's true," she says with a sigh.  "I mean, don't get me wrong I had every right to be upset.  Especially after I told you how I had been lied to about some pretty major things in the past…but I shouldn't have just left like that and the completely blocked you out.  I thought I was better than that.  I thought I had moved past those trust issues."

 

He shakes his head.  "I deserved it.  You were always upfront about honesty and I let you down.  Iris, I wanted to tell you for so long, everyday."

 

He looks away and roughly rubs the back of his neck.  Iris watches his agitated movements with soft eyes.  "Why didn't you?  Even after I confronted you, you didn't say a word."

 

 "Because I'm an idiot.  I was so scared of losing you that I kept you at a distance.  These people that I'm trying to find are dangerous...I couldn't risk you getting involved."  He looks away, furrowing his brows in distress.  "And I was  paralyzed when you walked away.  I was too busy trying to get you to stay when I should've told you what was going on."

 

"You should've.  Did you ever stop and think that maybe I could've helped you?"

 

He looks back at her helplessly.  "I thought it was dangerous.  And I wanted to keep you away from that part of my life.  I wanted to stay in this bubble with you where everything was good and my life wasn't so messed up."  He reaches for her hand but stops short of touching her, hesitant.  She doesn't move and Barry feels himself deflate.  He looks up from her hand.  "Iris, you can ask me anything and--" 

 

"I already looked into it."

 

Barry stares at her for a moment.  "What do you mean?"

 

"Well, I picked up on some of what you mentioned that night and I looked into the case.  That's actually why I wanted to talk to you.  I was going to call you but then there you were.  Outside the window."

 

Barry was speechless and Iris rushed to continue.  "Look, I know it wasn't right to invade your privacy especially when you went through such lengths to keep it from me.  But, I guess" she shrugs, trailing off.  "I guess, I still love you enough to want to help."

 

The ache that had been living in Barry's heart since she walked away was still every present only this time he dared to believe that all hope wasn't lost.  "You-you still love me?"

 

Iris lets out a rueful chuckle.  "Barry, I don't think I could ever stop loving you even if I wanted to.  I was hurt and felt betrayed but what I know in my heart won't go away."

 

"I love you too," he whispers.  "Iris, I am _so sorry._ I just-I just got so used to being on my own and keeping people at arms length that I forgot what it was like having a family.  Having someone who loves me enough to care."  He looks down at their hands, only inches away from one another, willing her to forgive.  

 

She nods her head slowly and looks at him.  "I understand," she says softly.  And with that she finally closes the distance between their hands.  Barry's heart jumps but he slows his hands from eagerly clasping hers.  His thumb glides softly over her fingers and he watches the movement, reveling in seeing his pale skin against her beautiful darker one.  He had been losing hope that he would ever get to see this again. 

 

She keeps her eyes on their hands as they softly entangle their fingers together before looking up at him.  "Will you let me help you, Barry?  Will you let me in?"

 

"Yes," he says without hesitation.  "Anything.  I know what it's like to be without you and I don't ever want to feel that way again."

 

"I don't either." They look at each other for a moment and Barry makes no move to leave when suddenly Iris's phone buzzes against the table.  They both break away abruptly and she reaches for her phone.  She taps something out on her screen and looks up with a regretful smile. 

 

"I should get back."

 

Barry nods, trying not to let the disappointment show.  "Yeah, yeah of course."  He gets to his feet when Iris stands up and adjusts her coat.  "Can I," he hesitates, "Can I walk you?"

 

"It's right next door, just past the alley," Iris smiles.

 

He shrugs bashfully, waiting.  She looks at him with affection in her eyes and finally nods.  "Yeah, I'd like that."

 

They make their way to her building, walking slowly to prolong the short distance.  He desperately doesn't want to let her go after finally being able to touch her, to be in her presence when she's actually aware of his.  But, there's a newfound hope that pushes him forward.  He looks at her as they slow to a stop in front of her building. 

 

"Iris," he says softly.

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Is it too soon for me to want to see you tonight?"

 

She smiles up at him and shakes her head.  "No."

 

"That's good.  I'd like to see you tonight."

 

She nods her head and slowly walks backward to the door.  "Come see me."

 

"Ok."

 

"Ok."

 

He wanted nothing more than to touch her, nothing more than to kiss her.  Had he not screwed up, he would be pressing against her right this moment and kissing her on her lips as he promises to have dinner ready that night.   He would let his touch linger on her skin and as he backs away from her, hating that they had to part but reassured in knowing she would be home that night and when he tucked into bed, she would be right there in his arms. 

 

But, he did screw up and for now this would have to be enough.  He didn't deserve more and he was lucky that she was standing in front of him with a smile he oh so adored.  And so with that he takes a backward step and keeps his eyes on her through the glass windows even as she walks inside until she disappears around a hall.

 

He turns around and walks forward, the dawn of a new chapter and hope in his stride.

 

 _Enough.  Enough now._     


	2. You're My Lover for Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The First Meeting
> 
> Barry's leaving work one rainy night when he meets Iris and her broken down car. 
> 
> Prequel to The Minutes and the Hours Pass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Given that I'm in a bit of a writing funk as of late, this didn't quite turn out the way I would have liked even after rereading it a bunch of times. Alas, if I didn't post this now then I know it could be another couple of months or years before it goes up and I don't want to forget this story like I have others. 
> 
> Anyways, hope you guys enjoy it at least and I would love to hear your thoughts! Totally comfortable with constructive criticism :)

He met her on a rainy day.

  
He had been back from investigating a lead and was bone-tired, wanting nothing more than to slip into his warm bed that he hadn't seen in days.  Too many nights had been spent pouring over notes and files at the station where he'd wake up in the morning as the morning shift came bustling in.

But, that night as he half-hazardly attempted to shield himself from the downpour, he was ready to get a proper's night rest and had just stepped into his car when he heard a loud expletive uttered amid the crashing rain. He looked through the blurry windshield, his eyes vaguely making out a figure step out of a car and bang on the hood.

He stepped out of his own car, the water quickly soaking through this clothes. He squinted his eyes and through the heavy sheets of water, he saw a young woman open the hood of her car. He looked forlornly at his own car and the takeout that was sitting warm and inviting in his passenger seat before shutting the door and walking over to her.

Guess sleep would have to wait a little longer.

"Excuse me?  Do you need some help?" He called out to her when he got closer. She looked up and pushed her drenched hair away from her face.

Barry felt his stomach flip when he got a look at her. She was stunning.

Even through the heavy sheets of rain, Barry was able to see she was a beauty, with her heart-shaped face, full lips, and a jawline that made him want to lick up to her ear.    
  
He shook himself out of his daze when he realized she was talking to him. "Um no that's ok," she shouted over the pummeling rain.  "I can take care of this."

She popped the hood open and inspected it.  Barry took a step closer.  "Do you know what you're doing?"

 

"Uh, kind of?"  She looked at him sheepishly before looking back down.  "I mean, my brother taught me a couple of tricks, but I'm kind of at a loss at the moment."

He joined her under the cover of the hood and looked down at the car.  He felt her shiver violently next to him and he looked over at her.  "Hey, why don't you wait in the car and I can try to figure this out?"

She looked at him with narrowed eyes and Barry felt like he had said the wrong thing. Something catches her eye near his waist and her eyes widened as she took a step back. Barry cocked his head in confusion before looking down and spotting his gun in his holster.

"Get the hell away from me!" she shouted, her voice shaking.

"Oh hey, you don't have to worry. I'm a detective.  Look"  He holds his hands up and nods with his head, droplets of water from his drenched hair flicking toward her.  "My badge is in my pocket, you can take it out and see for yourself."

She looked at him with stern eyes as she cautiously moved toward him.  "You make a move and you'll regret it," she threatened.  He let out a startled chuckle and is utterly charmed by her gumption.

"I don't doubt you," he said, unable to refrain the small smile.  "You have my word."

She looked at him with a no-nonsense expression as she moved closer.  Her hand landed on his stomach and to his embarrassment, his stomach clenched in response.  He swallowed thickly as she moved her hand around until she reached his pocket and pulled out the badge.   She squinted down at it, brushing her wet hair away from her face as she brought the badge close to her face.  Her tense shoulders relaxed as she read his name out loud.  

"Detective Barry Allen of CCPD."  She flipped the badge close and handed it back to him.  He dropped his hands and took his badge back from her, his fingers brushing against her cold ones.  "Huh, you know my dad?  Detective Joe West."

Barry cocked his head to the side, trying to remember the name.  "I think I vaguely heard the name but I'm pretty new to the precinct so I'm still getting to know everyone."

She appraised him for a moment before sticking her hand out to him.  "Welcome to the area, I suppose.  I'm Iris West."

He looked down at her hand and slowly took it in his.  "It's uh, nice to meet you, Ms. West."

She gave him a funny look.  "You can call me Iris."

He nodded once.  "Iris.  I'm Barry.  Barry Allen.  Oh, well, I mean you know that obviously," he stammered, shaking his head at himself.  He ducked his head with an awkward smile and pushed back his wet hair.

"So Barry," she began.  He looked up and saw a small smirk on her face.   She jerked her head toward her open hood.  "You know anything about cars?  You sure rushed over like you might."

Barry rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.  "Ah well, that's where I might have misled you.  I actually don't know a ton about cars and engines, but I figured…" he shrugged lamely.

"You figured what?  That you'd be the knight to a damsel in distress in the rain?"

His eyes widened.  "No!  I-I didn't think you were some damsel.  I just, I guess it's a hazard of the job.  Anyone that looks like they could remotely need help, I come running."

"Well, that's very noble, Detective Allen," she smiled but that soon turned into a frown as she looked at her engine.  "I don't think I'm getting out of this mess without Triple-A."

"Probably," he agreed.

"Well, I'm going to sit inside the warmth while I make the call.  I think I'll be alright, Detective."  She moved the prop rod and shut the hood.

She moved around the front of the car toward the driver's seat, brushing past him.  He turned with her and reached for her arm.  She turned to look at him with a knowing smirk.  "You just can't help yourself, can you, Boy Scout?"

"Uh, look I would just feel better if I waited with you.  If that's alright with you?"

Iris quirked an eyebrow before jerking her head toward the passenger seat.  "Get in the car, Detective, I'm freezing."

She lept into the driver's side and pulled out her phone as Barry made his way to the passenger seat.  He slammed the door shut, immediately muffling the torrential shower and cringed at the squeaking noise his wet clothes made against her leather seats.

"Sorry," he mumbled, sliding his fingers through his wet hair.  

She looked over at him with a reassuring smile as she spoke to the associate on the line.  After a couple more minutes, she hung up and began taking off her jacket.  "Take off your jacket and hang it from the back of the seat," she tells him.  

He complied without a word as he awkwardly took off his soaking jacket in the small space.   She noticed him struggle and with a shake of her head, leaned over his body and reached for the side of his seat.  He felt his seat slowly moving back, her warm body still across his torso and Barry swears he stopped breathing for a moment.  God, he really needed to get ahold of himself.

"You feel comfortable," he said and immediately he felt the hot flush creep up his neck.

She quirked her eyebrows and looked at him.

"I mean, that's not-I meant to say that feels more comfortable.  The uh, you uh…" he gestured erratically at her body and toward where she was adjusting the seat.  "Sorry," he said, mortified.

"Are you ok?" she asked with laughter in her voice.

"I'm-I'm really," he chuckled looking away and straightening in his seat.   "You're just catching me off guard.  It’s been kind of a long week."  It wasn't a lie, but Barry has been a detective long enough to keep his composure around people, especially strangers, but something about this girl was really testing his composure.  He felt a strange warmth that felt good but scared him all at once.  He hadn't felt anything for anyone in a really long time and even then it had been so fleeting he had wondered if he was really present for any of it.  But with Iris, there was something else.

He shook his head and scrubbed at his face roughly.  He was just tired, he reasoned.

She pulled back when he was comfortable and looks at him with amusement.

"Uh, thanks," he squeaked.  He cleared his throat.  "That helps.

"Do you have trouble fitting into most cars?  You're all legs and limbs."

He let out an awkward laugh, scratching the back of his ear.  "No, not really.  Just seems to be your tiny car."

"Hey, don't knock my baby."  She rubbed her dashboard lovingly.  "This baby's been with me for years, my very first car."

"Ah, I understand the protectiveness.  That piece of junk across the street is my first car too," he said pointing with his thumb toward his car.

Iris turned to glance over but could barely make anything out in the darkness.  "God, this rain is insane," she murmured turning back.  "And just my luck my car breaks down. As if this day couldn't be any more uncomfortable."

"I'm sorry," he said genuinely, his eyes roving over her face.  In the light of the car, away from the rain, he can see the weariness in her expression.  "Do you want to talk about it?"

She let out a huff of laughter and smoothed her hair back.  "I didn't mean to turn this into a pity party.  It's just been one of those days, you know?"

Barry leaned his head against the headrest and looked at her with a sympathetic smile.  "Yeah, I do.  Still, we're going to be here for a bit."

"I just met you, Detective and you expect me to bare my soul to you?" she teased.

"No, I just," he shrugged with a chuckle. "I don't know, sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger about things for perspective, right?  Plus, I've been told I'm a good listener."

"Yeah, you know what, strangely I believe you."  She sighed and looked at her lap.  "To be honest, it's kind fresh at the moment so I don't want to fester in it.  What about you?"

He looked away and hunched his shoulders forward.  "Ah, just work stuff.  Been on the force for about seven years now and sometimes I can make myself numb to it but other times it's a little harder."

"You look do look pretty worn," she murmured.  "Hey, you know if you have somewhere to be, even if it's a bed, you don't have to stay."

He turned to her, wondering if this was her polite way of kicking him out but when he looked at her face he was relieved to find that she seemed just as reluctant to part ways as he did.  "I don't have anywhere to be.  I’d like to wait with you if that's ok."

She smiled this beautiful smile, one that made him a little breathless.   "Yeah, that's ok."  He stared at for a long moment before he realized maybe it was a little creepy.  He looked away and cleared his throat.

"So, uh, what do you do, Iris?  You know I'm a detective, got to touch my badge and everything," he stopped abruptly, his cheeks burning.  "I-I mean, jeez that came out wrong didn't it?"

Iris giggled, her hand masking her smile.  Despite his embarrassment, he loved seeing the crinkle in her eyes and welcomed the butterflies in his stomach.   "Well, only if you have a dirty mind, Detective."

"You can call me Barry, you know.  I am off duty."

"Eh, I think I like Detective," she teased.  "But, to answer your question, I'm an investigative journalist for CCPN."

"Really?  That's cool, I hear they're a good paper."

"Well, you should definitely subscribe.  I mean, they have some pretty amazing talent there."

"Oh yeah?  Would one of them go by the name of Iris West?"

She looked at him in mock astonishment.  "How did you know?"

Barry fidgeted with the hem of his damp sweater.  "Lucky guess.  I don't pick up the paper being on the other side of the headlines.  I usually know the stories before they make the news."

"Huh, yeah I guess I can understand that."

"So what made you want to go into journalism?" He asked and turned in his seat to look at her.

"Um funny thing about that," she began slowly, "I actually wanted to be a cop first."

Barry slid closer in his seat, his pleased astonishment showed on his face.  "Wait, really?  So, what happened with that?"

She shook her head with a wry chuckle. "Dad did not approve.  He thought I already had a tendency to chase danger for thrills and me being in the in the line of duty would surely get me killed within days.  He's a little overprotective."  She had a grim expression on her face as she looked out the rain pattering against the windshield.  "Sometimes to a fault."

"You look like the kind of person that does whatever you set your mind to.  Why did you stay away from it?"

Iris shrugged.  "I don't know, I guess I trusted my dad with him being on the force.  I figured he was speaking from a place of real horror.  That and I didn't want a strained relationship with my dad. He means a lot to me."

He looked at her carefully, feeling the all too familiar heavy heart that he lived with ever since the death of his parents.

"But, then I soon turned to journalism," she continued.  "I always had a love for writing and I realized that I could use that love to fight crime in another way."  She smiled then in a sly way.  "What dad doesn't know is that I've had to get my hands dirty for some of those stories."

He looked at her in amusement.  "Oh man, you are trouble, aren't you?  So, what kind of dangers did you get up to?"

"Funny enough, the craziest thing was in high school.  Now, whenever I'm chasing a story I'm equipped with a mace and a gun and years of training in Muy Thai."

Barry raised and let out a low whistle, impressed.  "That is quite something.  You can probably take down some of the cops at the precinct.  Some of them just barely pass their combat training."

"Yeah?  And what about you?"

"Uh," he let out an embarrassed chuckle.  "Yeah, I was one of those that barely passed.  But, uh, I've been getting better, been training more."

She looked at him with this look he couldn't define-maybe affection-but whatever it was, he just hoped she kept looking at him like that.    
  
He cleared his throat.  "So um what trouble did you get up to in high school?"

"Confronted some jock from my high school that molested a classmate."  She said it so matter-of-factly, which was a sad thing, but there was a grim look in her eyes as she looked off, remembering.  "She told everyone about it and was hysterical when it first happened.  But, of course, he was the star football player and 'he'd miss out on a prestigious opportunity for a scholarship' and the superintendent wanted to keep it all hush hush.  Anything for the pretty white boy with strengths in athleticism.  So nothing came out of it.  There was no justice for that girl."  She turned to look at him as though gauging his response.  "You know how it is, I'm sure."

"Yeah, I've had colleagues on those cases,"  Barry said grimly.  "Even when all the foolproof evidence is there, the monsters get away with nothing more than a slap on the wrist."

"Exactly.  So I wrote a piece about it with the classmate's approval and snuck into the school editing lab to make sure it got printed and then I sent it over to the local paper.  The jock--Tony Woodward--came after me, but at that point, I was ready for him.  I mean, I knew that my actions would have consequences so I recorded the entire conversation.  He attacked me but wasn't prepared for my mace.  I took the evidence to my dad and he brought it to one of his buddies who's a judge and she took care of it."

Barry looked at her in awe, speechless.  He wanted to praise her bravery but first, he had to make sure.  "Did he hurt you?"

"Nah, my dad taught me a big guy's weak points.  The worse he did was a bruised arm but I don't think that guy really knows how to be gentle even if he tried."

Tony Woodward. Barry thought.  He filed that name away for later.  "That's really incredible what you did."

She turned to him with a small smile.  "That's when things really solidified for me.  My dad, of course, wasn't too thrilled about it, but some things are just inevitable, I think.  This is what I was meant to do."

He stared at her for a long moment, wondering how lucky was he that he came across her on this dreary rainy night.  Right now, looking into her eyes and watching her cheeks slowly flush from the attention, he couldn't imagine anything more wonderful than being in her company, the warmth of his bed forgotten, his Thai food that had been sitting in his car gradually getting colder forgotten.

Barry knew at that moment, he was meant to be there in her car as the rain splashed violently against her windshield.

Iris looked away bashfully as she tucked a damp lock of hair behind her hair.  "So anyway, what about you, Detective?  How did you get into crime fighting?"

"Uh," Barry swallowed past the lump in his throat and looked away.  He could see her looking at him from her peripheral vision.

"Barry?"

He took a deep breath  "I--"

There was a knock on Iris's window.  Iris let out a startled gasp as she whipped around.  Barry looked around Iris, his hand instinctively moving to his holster.    
  
"It's the Triple-A guy," she murmured, grabbing her jacket and stepping out of the car.   Barry quickly grabbed his own jacket and stepped out, walking around to Iris's side.

A young man's face who looked like he just graduated high school was wearing a rain jacket and a cap underneath his hood.  "Ms. West?" he asked Iris.

"Yeah, are you Joey?"

"That's me.  You called about your engine?"

"Well, I think it's my battery, but it doesn’t make sense because I recently changed the entire thing."

Joey nodded and gestured toward the hood of her car.  "Do you mind if I take a look?"

"No, of course not."  Iris stepped out of the way and moved closer to Barry.  He reveled in her closeness as Joey popped the hood and took a look.  A minute later he closed it and looked at Iris.

"Yeah, it looks like the battery was fried, I'm afraid.  We're going to have to take it to the shop and get on it tomorrow."

"Wait, there's nothing you can do now?  And how is it fried, I just changed it the other month."

Joey shrugged, apologetically.  "It could be a number of things, but we have to do an inspection and unfortunately, the mechanic is gone for the day so there's really not much we can do now."

Iris sighed and nodded glumly.  "Ok, I guess.  Can I have your card or something with your name on it?"

"Yeah, sure," he said eagerly, pulling out a car and quickly jotting his name down.  "Sorry, it's wet.."  He handed it over to her.

Joey looked at Barry and then back to Iris.  "Do you need a lift somewhere?  I can drive you if you need."

Barry quickly stepped in.  "That's ok, I've got it.  Thanks though."

Iris looked at Barry and he hoped that he hadn't overstepped, but was relieved when she smiled at him in thanks.  "I'm ok, thank you.," she told Joey.

"Ok, great.  I just need you to fill out this form for me and then we're good to go."

Iris quickly filled out the rest of the form before handing it back to Joey and turned back to her car to retrieve her bags.

"So, where's this hunk of junk of yours?" she asked Barry.

Barry smiled back and placed a light hand on her back as he looked at both sides of the street.  "Here, this way.  You got everything you need, right?"

"Yep."  They crossed the street and Barry jogged around the passenger side to hold open the door for Iris.  She looked up at him with a small laugh before seating herself inside.  He shut the door behind her and made his way into the driver's seat.

"What?" he asked.

"Well, you weren't kidding about the state of your car," she said looking around at his car in amusement. "I like it though.  Has character."

"I'm glad you approve."  He turned on the heat, blasting it.  "So, where to?"

As he drove Iris home slowly in the rain, they continued talking, learning more about each other and Barry was taken aback by how unbelievably comfortable he felt in her presence.  Growing up he was always a shy boy and when his parents were murdered, he retreated even further into himself, only stepping out of his comfort zone when he needed to get the job done.  The only other person in his life that made an impression was his college roommate Cisco who remained his best friend to that day, but other than that people came and went and he was content with that life.    
  
But, sitting there beside Iris as she fiddled with the radio as though she had ownership of it, it felt right.  Like she belonged as if his place was meant to be beside her.  It was terrifying and thrilling all at once, what he was feeling because for the first time he actually let himself wonder what it would be like.  To let someone into his life, into his dark world.      

How could he want it so much and yet be desperately afraid of it?  As he looked at her, her skin bathed beautifully even in the harshness of the red light at the traffic stop, he wondered where had she come from.  And just what was this?

She turned to look at him and smiled and Barry felt his breath catch in his throat.  She had such a beautiful smile.  Her lips full as they stretch across her face, making her eyes sparkle.  Her wet hair framed her face and he wondered if he was dreaming for a moment.  He wanted nothing more than to glide his fingers across her cheeks before getting lost in her hair and pushing them behind her ear.  To let his fingers feel the softness of her skin and glide across her sharp jaw.  

He looked away abruptly, chastising himself for his thoughts.  _Relax, Barry and stop being a creep.  You're just a polite detective helping out a fellow citizen.  Just driving her home and saying farewell._

That last thought left a hollow feeling in his stomach but he dismissed it as the light turned green.  A few more blocks and Barry pulled up in front of a brownstone building. The rain had finally let up and was nothing more than a light sprinkle, only seen in the glow of the streetlamp.

Barry parked the car but left the engine running.  There was a moment of silence in which neither suddenly knew what to say.  Barry knew he didn't want this moment to end, he didn't want to say goodbye but he wondered if she even felt a fraction of his reluctance.

"So, um, thank you for the ride," Iris said softly.    
  
Barry turned to look at her and brushed her thanks away with a smile.  "It's ok, it wasn't," he shook his head, "it was no trouble."

She looked at him with that gentle look again that made him think he'd surely melt under her gaze.  Despite his warring emotions, he wants nothing more than for her to keep looking at him that way.  

"So, hey, do you want to come up for a little bit?"

Barry's eyes widened and Iris's did too a moment later.  "Oh! I-I didn’t mean it in the way it might've sounded."  She let out an embarrassed laugh and pressed a hand to her cheek.  "It's just you're soaking wet and it's my fault so I was wondering if you wanted to dry your jacket or something before you headed home.  I could make you a cup of tea.  To say thanks, you know?"

He looked down at his fingers that were nervously picking at the steering wheel, conflicted.  This is what he wanted, an excuse to extend their time together, but now that it was a possibility he wondered if maybe he should walk away while he still can.  For the both of them.

"Uh," his voice squeaked.  He cleared his throat and rubbed the wet hair at the nape of his neck.  "I should probably get home.  And really, you don't have to thank me, Iris."

"Are you sure?  You're really drenched and it might be nice to drive back in dry clothes."

He couldn’t sit here all night debating about this as he was keenly aware of Iris waiting for his reply.  Before he could overthink it, he shut off his engine and smiled nervously at her.  "Yeah, ok.  If you're sure."  He really hoped she couldn't see how nervous he was.

She beamed up at him, her eyes crinkling in the corners.  "I'm sure.  Now come along, Detective."

She jumped out of the car and jogged up the steps to the door with Barry fumbling to catch up to her.  They made their way up two flights of stairs before they reached her front door.

"Huh, that's unfortunate for anyone that might have a difficult time with stairs," Barry noted.

"Oh you're telling me," Iris said, shaking her head as she rummaged through her bag.  "I once injured my ankle and I had to crutch myself upstairs."

"For real?"

"Mhm.  I mean, I had my brother who helped me out when he could but there were days where I got a good workout in.  But, hey I guess it kept me active while I was recovering."

"Look who's glass half full now."

Iris laughed as she opened her apartment door.  "Hey, I didn't say I wasn't."

"So what'd you do to end up with the injury?" he asked, following her in.

"Pole dancing."

Barry choked on his breath, his face burning.  "Oh," he squeaked.

Iris glanced back at him with mirth in her eyes.  "My friend Linda made me take a couple of classes years ago.  I don't know if you can believe it, but pole dancing is hard."

"Oh, I-I believe it."

"It was a good workout though.  You should try it sometime."  
  
Barry awkwardly cleared his throat, unsure if it was a serious suggestion.  "Yeah," he said weakly.

He took that moment to look around her apartment, his eyes taking in her space.  It was a neat and tidy place despite it teeming with books.  And it was teeming.  There were books everywhere: on the coffee table, under the coffee table, packed in the three tall bookshelves in the living space alone and in the smaller one on the kitchen island.   There was a book on the side table beside the lamp and one on the couch.

"Wow," he murmured.  "You really like to read."  He knelt down by the coffee table to scan the books there.

"Hm? Oh yeah, there's just so much to absorb and I love learning by experiencing  like traveling or something but that's now always possible, so I read."  She peeled off her sweater leaving her in a tank top and held her hand out for his jacket.  He tried to keep himself from lingering on her form, her wet hair trailing tracks of water down her neck.  He averted his eyes.

"Thanks," he said as he peeled his jacket off and handed it to her.  She eyed his sweater critically and he looked down noticing the rain had seeped through his thin jacket and soaked through the sweater, making it cling to his torso.

"Hang on," she said before disappearing into the second room, further down the apartment.  She came back with a pile of clothes and a towel.   "You're definitely going to catch a cold if you stay in those clothes." She hands him the clothes and gestures toward the bathroom where the door stood open.  "Change into these and I'll dry your clothes."

"Oh, really it's ok.," he stammered.

She cocked her head to the side and gave him an admonishing look. "Detective, just do as you're told."

He couldn't help the laughter that bubbled past his lips.  "Oh man, you have no idea how many times I've heard those words.  But, I have to say never quite like this and never from a pretty girl."  He immediately cringed.  "Sorry, that was weird, I didn't mean to…"

Iris shook her head with a giggle.  "It's ok.  I didn't mind.  Now," she said, waving her hand toward the bathroom.  "Off you go."

"You're really bossy, aren't you?" he asked in amusement.

"Oh, you don't know the half of it.  Now shoo."

He shook his head and headed toward the bathroom, feeling strangely flushed despite the chill from his cold skin.  He stepped into the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror.  It was odd.  There he was standing in the brightly lit bathroom of a girl he had only met just hours before.  And yet…he was somehow content and…excited?  He shook his head and set about changing clothes.   _Get a grip Barry and stop acting crazy_.

He put on the clothes and Barry found that they fit him a little loose and he was able to deduce that the person who once wore these definitely filled them out and was well-built.  He pushed aside the twinge of jealousy and walked out of the bathroom with his wet clothes.

Iris was now changed into sweatpants and a black cropped turtleneck.   "Sorry, it's freezing in here," she murmured from the kitchen stove.  "I just turned on the portable heater."  She looked up from the kettle and spotted the clothes in his arms. "Oh here, I'll toss these in the dryer with my clothes."

"I can do it, you can just point me in the right direction."

"Thanks, it's right behind you."  She looked at him for a moment in the new clothes, her lips curling.  "Are the clothes ok?  I stole them from a friend of mine who's like twice our size so they're on the larger end." 

Barry couldn't fight the sense of relief at the word 'friend' as he tossed his wet clothes in the dryer.  "Oh it's fine, they're really comfortable.  Thank you for them."

Once the clothes were in the dryer, he came back to the living area unsure what he should do as Iris went back into the kitchen.  He looked around and it was then that he spotted a copy of the Central City Picture News. He smiled and picked it up, searching for her name.  He stopped when her name caught his eye under the headline "Local Dry Cleaning Owner Suspect in Teenager's Death"

He had vaguely heard about the case but as he read the article, Barry felt enthralled and found that Iris had a true talent for the field.

"Wow," he murmured.  "You're really good."

"Ah, you found my article.  Thanks," she said, walking over with a warm mug of tea.  "But, then again you could be saying that because I'm standing right here."

"No, I'm serious," he said looking up at her.  "The way you write, you're not just reporting, you're telling a story and you're so passionate.  You actually care." He looked down at the article again, his eyes scanning over the words again.   "It's…it's beautiful."

He looked up at her and there was a softness in her gaze and he can't help but smile at her gently.  "I think you've got me hooked," he said.  In more ways than one.

She let out a breathless chuckle.  "Well, thank you.  That's really sweet."

He took the mug of tea from her and sat down on the couch.  She took the seat beside him and tucked her legs underneath her.  "So what about you?  You never said how you got into the field," she murmured in the sudden quiet and as Barry sat there beside her with a warm cup tea and fresh clothes, her gaze upon him filled with curiosity and an unexpected gentleness, he felt caught up in her for a moment.

Her voice broke him out of his warm haze as he registered her words.  "Oh, I uh--"  He hesitated and like every other time someone mentioned his parents, Barry clammed up, unable to speak of the horror.  But, unlike every other time, the inclination to tell her the truth battled his usual urge to lie.  As he looked at her warm and patient eyes, he wanted to spill everything out.  Everything that happened the night his mother was killed in front of him, everything that followed as he watched his distraught father being taken away from him.

But, for the first time in a long time, he actually felt warm and at peace, even if it was for just a brief moment and he wanted nothing more than to bathe in that.  So maybe one day he'd be brave enough to tell her everything--his beautiful stranger who didn't quite feel like a stranger anymore--but he couldn't in that moment.  He opened his mouth, but the words didn't come out.

He cleared his throat and looked down at the tea, watching the steam rise above the dark liquid.  "I uh, there was a time when I kind of lost faith in law enforcement.  I was bitter about it for awhile before I thought that I could be the change I wanted to see and so I decided to join the force and make sure I didn't half-ass it like some people did."

He could feel her gaze on his face and he tried not to squirm under her scrutiny.  He took a tentative sip of the tea.  "This is good," he said lamely.

"It's peach chamomile."

He chanced a glance at her and by the way she was looking at him, he knew she could tell he wasn't telling the whole truth but she was going to respect his boundaries.

"I think that's noble," she said with a soft smile.  "It's easy to be angry at the world and then use that as an excuse to do terrible things, treat people cruelly.  But, it takes a truly strong person to rise above that and be the hero they want to see."

"I'm trying."

"Well, I can say for certain you were my hero tonight, Barry Allen."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

But what Barry didn’t know in that moment but would later come to find was that she was actually his hero.  She was the one that saved him that night.

He didn't know how long they sat there talking as if they knew each other for years, but when the dryer buzzer went off, it was as though he had woken from a dream.  It was too soon when he found himself shuffling by her front door, holding onto his now warm clothes.

Iris wrung her fingers for a moment before swinging them to her sides as she walked toward him.

"Thank you for tonight, Detective."

"Barry, just Barry."

"Barry," she uttered quietly.

He cleared his throat before looking up at her to meet her soft gaze.  "So um, how are you going to get to work tomorrow?"

"Oh, I don't know I guess I'll just catch a Lyft or something.  Or maybe have Wally swing by if he can."

"Wally?" he tried to ask casually.

"My brother," she said with a smile

He tried to hold back his sigh of relief.  "Oh..  Well, I could drive you if you like.  You're actually on my way to work so it wouldn't be a trouble."

She looked at him and took a step closer.  "Yeah, I'd like that."

He couldn't help but glance down at her lips, her teeth peeking out to bite the softness of her bottom lip.  He forced his gaze away and met her eyes again, his stomach in flutters, cheeks burning.  "Ok."

She took another step closer until she was right in front of him, her neck stretching up to look into his eyes, his lashes casting a shadow in the dim light.  He sucked in a deep breath when he felt her warm hand land on his waist before sliding into his pocket.    
  
Barry could have sworn he had stopped breathing for a moment as her hand dug into the sweatpants before pulling out his phone.  She looked down and let out a muffled giggle as she held up his outdated phone.

"Oh, you must be the only one on the planet that still has a flip phone."  She shook her head with this sweet smile and she flipped his phone open.  She pressed a few buttons before dropping it back into his pocket and took a step back.  She looked all too smug at his slightly rapid breathing like she knew just what she was doing to him.  "I'll see you tomorrow morning then, Barry."

He stood there in stunned silence trying to get his heart to slow down before nodding his head in jerky movements.  "Yeah, yeah you will."

As he drove into the misty night, he thought of her the whole way home--which was all of five minutes, he was pleased to find--and still in the clothes she had lent him, her scent filled his nose.  He closed his eyes and thought of her smile before he opened them again.

He thought of her smile as he got ready for the night and just before he tucked himself into bed, he pulled his computer onto his lap and typed in the Central City Picture News website.  He scrolled until his cursor hovered over the subscribe button.  He paused, shaking his head at himself.  Was he really going to subscribe to a newspaper after going almost thirty years without picking one up, especially in the digital age?

 _Yes, yes he was_ he thought at he hit the subscribe button.


	3. Your Love Haunts Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry lets out his feelings out on a punching bag at the gym.   
> Inspired by the song Us by USS and I totally recommend listening to it and Clouds by Børns bc they pretty much encompass Barry's feelings in this drabble. They're amazing!!
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone that continues to support and encourage the story/writing! ♥

The opening beats rang loud in Barry’s ears, the music pulsing, driving his movements as he landed a hard punch into the bag of sand.  The volume drowned out most of the sound around him but even then he heard the muffled blow as the bag swayed away from him.  He landed another punch followed quickly by another, his knuckles burning through the heavy tape.  His breath came out in barely controlled gasps, but he didn’t stop.  Couldn’t stop.

**_If I could rewind time and make amends_ **

**_If I could somehow hear your voice again_ **

**_And hold you gently in the morning_ **

**_What I wouldn’t give_ **

His heart squeezed in his chest painfully as her face flashed in his mind, her bright eyes, her breathtaking smile, looking at him with so much love.  He didn’t know whether the pain in his chest was because of his lungs fighting for oxygen or because the memory of her love morphed into disappointment and heartbreak.  And it was all his doing.

The music drowned out the world around him, the other patrons at the gym were nothing but a hum in the midst of the notes from the song, his mind flooding with memories of her.  Quiet moments he’d hold her in his arms in front of the tv, her warmth seeping into his body and cocooning him.  The feeling of her breath against his skin on early mornings she’d wake him up with kisses on his face.  The taste of her lips…her skin as he’d slide his lips against the arch of her neck, the indents of her ribs, the jut of her hipbone.

**_Oh to feel your breath against my skin_ **

**_If I could taste your smile again_ **

**_What I wouldn’t give_ **

It was a self-inflicted torture as he played the song again and again and again, needing to bathe in the reminder of just how badly he fucked up so that next time–if the gods ever decided to show him mercy, if any existed at all, to grant him a next time–he would never dare repeat his mistakes. Mistakes…usually a single instance of wrongdoing, but what Barry had done was more than a single instance.  It was a deliberate decision to keep Iris at arm’s length to protect his fragile heart.  He told himself it was to protect her, to keep her away from the dangers of his investigation…but if he really looked inside himself, he’d see that he was just afraid.  Afraid of his scars being opened wide and seeing the pity in her eyes.  Of being rejected for who he was. 

But, in the end, it wasn’t Iris that had difficulty handling his scars.  It was him.

As the heavy beats thumped in the caverns of his ears, his heart spiked with a shot of adrenaline and he pummeled the bag with newfound vigor.  His body protested, his movements sloppy, his breath erratic as he grunted against the force.

**_Say the word and I will_ **

**_Turn around and run, run, run to you_ **

God, what he wouldn’t give to make things right again, to take back every lie he told her, starting from the first night they met.  What he wouldn’t give to have just taken a chance and bared his soul to her right then and there.  

**_I try to pry my heart away_ **

**_It’s true, your loves crazy glue_ **

The cracks in his heart deepened with every day he was away from her, feeling further and further away from the possibility of ever holding her hands in his, of ever burying his face in the sweet scent of her hair, of ever going on spontaneous ice cream runs at one in the morning when they were both pouring over work.  

She had been the one to sew back his tattered soul with her love, but now he was the one who pulled those strings back from their hold.  

He let out his anger and frustration on the bag, driving his fist into the leather covering, his body hot and drenched in sweat.  He wanted to block out the world and the thoughts running rampant in his head.  

Suddenly he felt a heavy hand land on his shoulder and Barry whirled around, twisting the arm backwards in one swift movement, kicking the back of their knees.

“Damn, Allen,” a strained voice said.

Barry looked down, breathing heavily, his heart thumping rapidly against his ribs.  He let out painful wheezes as he took in the owner of the arm, shaking out of the haze.  He released slowly and leaned against the punching bag, looking away from Captain Singh who kept a concerned eye on him as he stood up.

“Jesus Allen, you training for some competition?  Because you know you passed the combat test with flying colors, right?”

Barry didn’t say anything for a moment, wiping off the sweat from his face with the sleeve of his shirt. Singh looked at him critically before reaching down and grabbing a water bottle.

“Drink this, you need to stay hydrated.  No point in beating yourself up.”

If Barry didn’t feel like his whole world was caving in, he might have laughed at that.  Because, yeah, that’s exactly what he was doing and yeah, he deserved it.  But, he did feel like he would pass out and to prevent further embarrassment he reached over and grabbed the water bottle with a mumbled “Thanks.”

He downed the entire bottle, his body greedy for the libation.

“What’s going on?  You’re one of our top scores in combat, so why are you going so hard?”

“S'nothing,” Barry mumbled, walking away.  Now that he was broken out of his void, he could feel his body collapsing on him, the exhaustion setting in heavy.  He grabbed his towel from a stray chair and wiped up the sweat from his neck and head, swiping it across his heated face.

“Clearly something’s up,” Singh said, following him to the water fountain where Barry filled his bottle before leaning in and letting the water pour over his face.  The coolness soothed the heat emanating from his flushed cheeks as his breath started slowing down.

“You’re a mess, Allen,” he continued, stating the obvious.  "You have been for the last couple of weeks.  Does Iris know?“

The sound of her name uttered out loud, outside of the constant stream in his mind, jarred him for some reason.  The aftermath of Iris leaving him was spent in a quiet solace for awhile before Cisco threatened to bar Barry from his own apartment by hacking into the security system.  No one knew about their breakup except for Cisco–not that there was anyone else in his life to even inform–and presumably everyone on Iris’s side.  Wally had messaged him, asking him what was going on and Joe imparted wise words that were both admonishing and encouraging–at least he had two out of three Wests on his side– but aside from that he isolated himself and refused to talk about it.  What was there to say?  He had screwed up and he’d do anything to fix it with her.

"Allen?”

Barry jerked away from the water, his skin slightly numb from the cold, while the rest of him still burned.

“Have you talked to Iris?”

“Yeah, I’ve tried,” he said hoarsely, not looking at Singh.  It was the truth.  He had talked to Iris, but he was pretty sure Singh had no idea what happened between them, assuming whatever was bothering him had nothing to do with her.

“You’ve tried and what?”

“She isn’t talking to me.”  He said the words lifelessly and no longer caring that it was out there.

Singh straightened as realization registered in his eyes, taking in Barry’s defeated demeanor with a new sense of understanding.  He sighed and clamped a hand on Barry’s shoulder.  "Look, I don’t know what went down between you two, but what I do know is that you’re Barry and Iris.  You’re the Gold Standard,“ said with a light chuckle.  "If there’s anyone that can get through this, it’s you guys.  Just remember to always be honest and to give yourselves some time.”

“Honest,” Barry repeated numbly.  "That’s what got me here.  I wasn’t honest.“

"About what?”  Singh asked with narrowed eyes.  His hand on Barry’s shoulder tightened.  "Allen, if you stepped out on Iris–“

"No, god, of course not!”  Barry groaned, pulling away from Singh’s grip.  "I would never do that.“  He let out a sigh, not believing he was confiding in his stone-cold captain, who was being oddly nice to him.  He really must look pathetic.  "I didn’t tell her about…about my parent’s.”  Barry didn’t elaborate, knowing Singh already knew about his parents having done a background check when Barry first applied for the position.

“Barry…”  It was a testament of how much he’d screwed up stupidly that Singh resorted to using his first name.

“I know,” Barry mumbled.

Singh looked at him with a small amount of pity before putting on his tough-mentor face.  "Look, we all make mistakes, we’re human.  It’s what we do after we realize our wrong and work to make it right that makes a difference.  She’ll come around.“

"Yeah, sure,” Barry replied, wanting nothing more than to get out of there.  His captain who was usually a hard-ass was looking at him as if he had to tell a small child that his puppy was run over and it was more than Barry could take right then. “I gotta go, Captain.”

“Alright.  See you around, Allen.”

Barry barely responded before he turned into the locker room, his face heating up again.  Despite the embarrassment, he acknowledged that it was decent of Singh to try and make him feel better, but he honestly didn’t know if there was anything that could possibly alleviate the weight on his chest.

When he made it home later, freshly showered from the gym, his body aching, knuckles raw.  He had no other plans but to take a couple of Advils for the soreness and throbbing in his temples before face planting into bed.  But as he passed his landline, the red blinking light caught his attention.  

There was a voicemail waiting for him.  His body was still exhausted from his workout and the last thing he wanted was to deal with a potential problem, but the blinking light beckoned him and with sluggish movements, he leaned against the table and hit the button.

As soon as he heard the voice coming from the machine, Barry froze and dropped his gym bag to the floor.

“Hey Barry, it’s Joe.”  There was a deep sigh.  "Look, this thing with you and Iris…I gotta be honest, I didn’t think it was going to last this long.  She’s a stubborn one.  I guess I’m calling just to check in and see how you’re doing.  I know you well by now, Bar, and I know whatever it was that you kept from her wasn’t to hurt her…just know that even though my daughter isn’t talking to you, doesn’t mean Wally and I are going to stop being there for you.“

Barry felt a lump in his throat as his eyes prickled.  He swallowed thickly, listening intently to the rest of the message.

"You’ve still got me and I know that you and Iris will pull through…Anyway, give me a call when you can.”

The answering machine beeped, signaling the end of the message.  Barry leaned his elbows heavily against the table where the phone sat, roughly scrubbing his face and wiping away the traces of wetness from his eyes.

It wasn’t as though Joe had shut him out in the aftermath.  Soon after Iris left, Joe approached him at the station and urged Barry to tell him what was going on and when Barry refused, he looked at him with sympathy and advised him to get himself sorted out.

“Give Iris some time but in the meantime, try to work out what’s going on inside of you.  How you were able to let your demons get in the way of the best thing that ever happened to you,” he had said.

The words haunted him since then, but Barry had buried himself in work, dumping all of the files he collected from his mother’s case into a box and shoving them in the far corner of his living room, focusing instead on the current cases.  His mother would have been disappointed in him.

He debated whether he should call Joe back, wondering if it would be strange to confide his ex-girlfriend’s dad–there was a bitter taste in his mouth at the thought of referring to Iris as an ex–but ever since things got serious with Iris, Joe had taken Barry under his wing after the initial threats and lecture.  He had treated Barry like a son and when he lost Iris, he lost a family.

He stared at the phone for what felt like hours before slowly reaching for it.  His hand shook as he dialed, his heart racing as it rung on the other end.

There was a click and a voice on the other end.  "Barry?“  In that one word, he could hear the concern and warmth in Joe’s voice and his knees nearly buckled under the weight of it.  He hadn’t realized how much he needed to hear that almost as much as Iris’s voice.

Barry’s opened his mouth, his voice cracking.  He cleared his throat before trying again. 

”Hey Joe.“


	4. Clouds Are Rolling By

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry is late meeting Iris, taking a meeting with a witness instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll allow myself a break from this chapter so I can edit with more clarity hopefully later, but for now, here it is :P It's a short one.  
> Clouds by Børns (Does anyone listen to the song recs, out of curiosity? It's totally fine if not)

_Hi, you've got Iris West's voicemail.  If it's an emergency call, my dad, if not, leave a message at the beep!_

Barry snapped his phone shut and clenched his jaw as he turned toward the wall of graffiti.  He shook his head and looked at the woman beside him.

"Ma'am, where is the lightning bolt that you saw?  Over the phone, you said that you saw an etched lightning bolt near the dead bodies found here, but I'm looking around and there's nothing."  He tried to keep the irritation out of his voice but he was going to be late meeting Iris and it seemed like it was all for nothing.

The woman scurried to the wall and pointed toward a symbol on the wall, stretching her arm above her head.  Barry's tall frame didn't need to stretch up and as he scrutinized the graffiti she was pointing at he felt the irritation grow tenfold.

He gestured at the faint red spray paint and took a deep breath before speaking.  "Ma'am, is this what you're talking about?"

The woman nodded eagerly.  "Yes, it's the Man In Yellow's calling card, isn't it?  The red lightning bolt with a circle around it.  He was here, wasn't he?  Oh my…Detective, do you think I should move out of town?  I'm going to have to move--"

"Ma'am, that isn't a lightning bolt.  That's a swastika someone painted over."  He shook his head.  "Fricking Nazis.  I hate Nazis," he said under his breath.  He turned to the woman again and took a calming breath.  "Is this what you saw?  Is this why you asked me to come all the way over here?"

"Well, yes," she said meekly, picking up on his ire.  "I mean, it's quite scary isn't it?"

Barry looked down at the woman with annoyance but also a small amount of pity.  She looked a little haggard, her white hair a little wayward and her worn sweater big over her small frame.  Her age showed on her face as she swept her thin hair away from her eyes.

"Ma'am, this doesn't have anything to do with the Man In Yellow.  If you're concerned about the graffiti, you're going to have to take it up with your local authorities.  I didn't give my contact information out to deal with petty crimes."

"Oh!  Well, this is important too, wouldn't you say?" she huffed.

"Like I said, talk to your local authorities.  All you have to do is go to your nearest police precinct.  They’ll be on the lookout."

"Well, alright then," she said with indignation.  "You don't have to be rude, you know."

Barry smiled tightly, closing his notepad and sticking it in his coat pocket.  "Apologies.  I'll be off then."

As he walked away the woman shouted after him, "Rude!"

"Yeah, well you probably put me in the doghouse with my girl, so…" he muttered, making his way to his car.  He sat heavily in his seat before punching in Iris's address into the GPS.  He had saved it under "Home" even though they spent most of their time at his apartment.  It was about time they made the move official and Barry was waiting for her lease to be over before carefully bringing up the subject of moving in with him.  It was the viable option since he wasn't the one that lived with a roommate.

He looked at the ETA and thumped his head back against the headrest with a groan.  "Come on."  With traffic, the travel time said he would be getting home no sooner than nine, making it well past the time he was supposed to meet Iris for dinner.

He shifted gears and pulled out of the parking spot as he flipped open his phone and speed dialed Iris again.  This time it didn't even ring before going straight to voicemail.

_Hi, you've got Iris West's voicemail.  If it's an emergency call, my dad, if not, leave a message at the beep!_

Barry pressed his lips together.  "Iris, please pick up the phone.  The GPS said I'm going to be getting home around nine, so forget the restaurant and I'll meet you at yours, ok?"  He sighed.  "Look, I know you're mad, but I'm starting to get worried.  Just pick up if only to yell at me and tear me a new one, I don't care.  Just...I’m sorry."

_Sorry for everything._

Barry snapped his phone shut and tossed it with more force than necessary onto the passenger seat.  The voicemail echoed in his mind after the seventeenth time he called her. He drummed his fingers restlessly against the steering wheel as he drove in the snow, checking the time on the dashboard every ten seconds.

He felt a mix of guilt and frustration as his mind whirled with thoughts of Iris and what she could possibly be doing right now.  He supposed he shouldn't be surprised she's upset with him--he was on thin ice after he stood her up last week for dinner at her dad's--but he really thought he had found a lead in his mother's case.  An eyewitness who had reportedly seen a similar calling card to the person who had killed his mother.

But, it was just another dead end, just like today.  Again.

He could feel the onslaught of a raging headache coming on and rubs his temple before checking if there was any coffee left in his thermos.  He knocked it back and was grateful to find the smooth albeit cold liquid, slide down his throat.  He didn't know what to do anymore.  He spent so long looking for the Man In Yellow, spent so long trying to avenge his mother's death, only for him to end up here, at one dead end after another, time after time.  Only this time, for the first time in his whole life, he actually had something good in his life.  Somehow, by some miracle, Iris West came into his life and made it that much more meaningful.  She gave him hope and a purpose that he never had.  That maybe there was a life beyond revenge.

But, as the clock slowing passed and the miles seemed endlessly long, he wondered if he had screwed that up too.  He screwed over his parents, not finding the person responsible for their deaths, and now he's screwing over Iris, keeping her from living an honest life with him.  He couldn't go on like this, couldn't go on lying to her.  The more he did, the more he wondered just what was stopping him?

At first, he couldn’t bring himself to ruin the moment they were having, that first night they met.  And then after that, he reveled in the feeling of being with her.  How when he was with her, he didn't feel like the lost boy who had been abandoned by the world, who had his parents viciously taken away from him before he even got to enjoy their love and warmth.  But, Iris brought that into his life.  In his short, miserable life that seemed void of any actual life, Iris revived him with her light.  How was it that someone who had endured tragedy in her life was able to hold onto that light?  And why couldn’t he do that for her?

It amazed him but he would never truly question it because he was forever grateful that the harsh world hadn't broken her spirit and she remained as beautiful and pure as she was.  

He couldn’t keep her in the dark anymore.  She deserved to know and he’ll face whatever comes next.  He has to tell Iris.

* * *

"Iris!"  He pounded on the door with his fist.  "Iris--"

The door abruptly opened and he was momentarily relieved before he saw the face on the other side of the door.  Linda glared at him, her sleepy eyes squinting.

"Linda," he said in surprise, suddenly chagrined for pounding on the door.  "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

"Barry."

"Iris.  Is she here?  I've been trying to reach her all night, but she hasn't gotten back to me.  Do you know where she is?"

"Huh.  You know, I don't think she really wants to see you, if I'm being honest."

Barry closed his eyes for a moment and nodded, his suspicions confirmed.  She was avoiding him.

He looked at Linda with pleading eyes.  "Linda, look, I really need to talk to her.  I need to explain what's been going on--"

"What's been going on?"  Linda narrows her eyes skeptically.  "What about what's been going on with Iris, did you stop to think about that?"

Barry stopped short.  "What do you mean?  What's going on?"

"You haven't been able to tell?  I mean, where the hell have you been?"

"I've…I've been busy," he said weakly.  "That's why we set the date for today, but then something came up and it was supposed to be quick--"

"Right, there's the excuses," she scoffed.

"I'm not-I-they're not...," he stammered.  "Please, Linda, I really need to talk to Iris.  Is she here?"

She hesitated for a moment before exhaling.  "She's not here.  She went out, I don’t know where, but she said she'd be back in a couple of hours."

"She didn't say anything at all?  Any idea as to where she would be?"

Linda shrugged and shook her head.  "Just said she needed to get some air.  But, Barry, I'd wait for her to come to you.  Let her cool off."

"She's never been this upset with me before."

Linda scoffed.  "You don't even know half of it."

Something had been going on with Iris and that worries him even more.  "What's been going on with Iris?  Please, I need to know."

A look of irritation spreads across Linda's face.  "Hey, look I know you're a busy, important detective out there trying to save lives, but if you've been missing how Iris has been off for awhile, you're kind of shitty at your job, aren't you?"

Barry didn't know what to say as his gaze dropped to the ground.  Linda looked at him with pity, letting out a sigh.  "Here's the thing, Barry, I do like you and I like the fact that you've made Iris happier than I've seen her in a long time, especially after what happened to Eddie.  But, lately, you've been disappointing her and have been the reason she's not happy anymore."

He looked up at her abruptly.  "She's not happy?"

"Come on, you can't be that blind."

He wasn't and Linda confirming his fears made him feel sick to his stomach.  This wasn't right, this wasn't how it was supposed to be.  

He had been desperate to bring his parents justice that everything else fell into the periphery, it was all he knew, but Iris wasn't supposed to be that.

He had really screwed up this time.

"I need to see her.  I need to tell her everything," he said softly.  He stepped away from the door and quickly turned around, making his way toward the elevator.

"Barry!"

He turned around to look at Linda's hesitant face.  "Good luck," she said with a roll of her eyes.

He nods with a tight press of his lips, feeling that he would be needing more than luck.

* * *

He walked into his dark apartment, prepared to wallow in the dark when he heard noise coming from the bathroom.  He walked over, his heart pitter-pattering against his chest.

Iris steps out of the lit bathroom, with a small bag in her hand.  At the sight of her, Barry let out a sigh of relief.  "Iris, there you are, I've been trying to call you.  Didn't you get my messages?"

She stopped short when she heard his voice and looked up.  The look on her face made his heart thump uncomfortably in his chest and he could feel the guilt slowly, painfully swallow him whole.  He could tell she had been crying and he hated himself, knowing it was all his fault.

"Iris," he began softly.  "Iris, I, I'm so--"

"Sorry," she finished hoarsely.  "You're sorry, right?  Do you know for what though?"

A flicker of confusion traversed the cloud of dread.  "For, for not showing up, for…everything."  He almost said it as a question because of course, it was for standing her up again…wasn't it?

She let out a mirthless laugh, her eyes filling with unshed tears.  She looked away and shook her head, her eyebrows furrowing.

"Iris, I promise I will--"

"Make it up to me," she finished for him again, turning to look at him.  "Do you know how I know what you're about to say?  Because I've heard it about few dozen times before and nothing has changed.  Nothing."

Barry swallowed thickly past the lump in his throat and took a step closer.  A cold weight fell on his chest, dread at the look in her eyes, the defeated way she stood in front of him with barely an expression as she looked back at him.

"Iris, I know you're angry with me and you have every right to be, but today I realized that I've been such an idiot and I promise you that I'm done with the late nights and I'm done with canceling date nights and just…I'm done with everything.  All that matters to me is you."

She nodded her head slowly, swallowing as she looked around.  She walked over to the bookshelf behind her and slipped her hand behind it and Barry knew this was it.  This was the moment that would make or break everything.

She pulled out her hand and with it the cork board he stuffed there, covered in sheets, thumbtacks, and yarn connecting the tacks.

He closed his eyes, hoping in vain he could wake up and start this day all over.  He didn't know what to say for a moment, but he didn't need to.

"Let me guess, you were going to tell me, you just hadn't gotten around to it."

 _Don't fuck up, don't fuck up, don't fuck up_ … The thought ran through his mind as he waited for the right words to come to him because he knew he that every word that came out of his mouth could shatter everything.  But, even as he thought the words, he already knew he had fucked up.  From the very first night he met her and lied about his past, he fucked up.

"You said you loved me."

His eyes shot open.  "I _do_ love you, Iris!  God, I love you more than anything in this world, more than life itself" he said, his voice cracking.

"I thought we were going to share a life together.  I thought we were--"

"We _are_!  Iris, we still are."  He refused to let her speak in the past, trying to keep her in the present.

She looked down and shook her head.  "This isn't sharing a life.  This is living a lie."

"Iris, I didn't--I promise I was going to tell you."

She let out a humorless chuckle.  "We've been together for almost a year.  I'm practically living with ~~you~~.  When were you going to tell me?"   She looked around the apartment and then at the large corkboard that was now exposed, all of his research on his parent's murder displayed for her to see.  "And to think of just how much effort you put into hiding all of this from me.  How you've never really shown me you."

"But, you have, Iris, you've seen me more than anyone in my entire life."  His voice cracked and he could feel the prickle behind his eyes as the panic rose in his chest.

"I don't want to hear more lies, Barry.  I just don't.  I can't anymore."

"They're not lies, Iris, please---"

She reached down and picked up what Barry now saw was her traveling duffel bag.  His heart stopped for a moment before dropping into his stomach.  "Iris," he whispered cautiously.  "What are you doing?"

"I can't do this anymore.  Not now."

He took a step closer and Iris pulled her bag close to her as if protecting herself.  "What are you doing?" he asked again, not able to process what she was implying.

"I'm leaving."

He lost his breath and couldn't speak.  She looked at him with tear-filled eyes that he knew wouldn't fall.  She had been hurt before and she was tired of the tears and here he stood, hurting her even more.

"Don't go," he rasped.  "Iris, there wasn't a single day I didn’t want to tell you.  I was just trying to keep you away from all of this… _madness_ and-and…please, please can we talk about this?"

She looked back at him and he could see it in her eyes.  He could see the hurt, the betrayal, but most of all he could see the exhaustion.  The toll his lies had taken on her, the past year when she had tried to be understanding and given him the space to come to her had all weighed down on her as she laid her trust in him, waiting for him to do the same.

"I'm barely holding on right now.  I can’t go through this again."

"I'm not Eddie.  I promise you this isn't like that, Iris, you have to believe me."

"How can I?  When you haven't given me a reason to.  This is exactly how it started with him."

He chanced a step closer to her before slowly, hesitantly reaching over and gripping her arms.  He looked into her eyes, pleadingly.  "Then look at me and listen to your instincts.  You've always had the best instinct of anyone I've ever known, Iris.  What is it telling you now?"

She looked at him for a moment, her eyes shimmering, before slowly shaking her head.  "It doesn't matter what I feel in my heart.  Because what I know is that my boyfriend has been lying to me for the past year about some pretty major things."  Her voice cracks but she takes a breath but she continues."  And I look at you now and Barry, it really hurts.  It hurts a lot because I feel like I'm looking at a stranger."

_You fucked up, you fucked up, you fucked up…._

She wrenched away from his weakened grasp and he lost his breath.  He could do nothing more than to look at her, his eyes pleading with her.

"Iris," he says hoarsely.  He tries to find the words to say, tries to find his voice to keep her stay with him as he stands frozen refusing to watch her leave.  Refusing to watch as she walks away and out the door.  The slam of the door rattled his heart, shaking in his ribs.  Still, he tries to think of something, anything to say so that he could run after her…but there really wasn't anything left to say in the wake of the deafening silence that followed.

He had messed up and now he had to pay the price.

It made sense that the light would walk out of his life.


	5. Sit Next to Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short little bit, but a piece of hope that everything is going work out. Hope you guys like it, especially after the last chap :D

They spend New Year's Eve together. 

They sit on a windowsill with two feet of space between them, the heat of the radiator keeping them warm despite the draft coming from the window. 

His lips tingle as he looks at her through the corner of his eyes, wishing he could kiss her. Last New Year's had been their first one together. They had been dating for a month at that point and very much in the honeymoon phase, not even making it to midnight before clinging to each other, their lips finding each other like magnets despite the crowd around them. They blocked out the hooting and hollering from their friends, too lost in the high of one another to feel embarrassed.

Iris had invited him and Cisco to Linda's annual New Year's Party that year and he remembers how nervous he was about meeting her friends and brother for the first time. 

But, now as she sits there beside her still frame, he can't believe how quickly it felt like time had gone and here they were She sits with her shoulders hunched forward, her hands clasped between her knees as she looks straight ahead at the crowd of dancing people, already half drunk. He can tell from the set of her shoulders that she's nervous and despite the undeniable and burning desire in his stomach, he feels the weight of guilt in his chest.

He wants nothing more than to hold her, slide his hands up her thin, soft top and feel the even softer skin he knows lies beneath. He wants to burrow into her and let her scent engulf him and stay there for the rest of eternity if she allowed him. 

But, more than that, more than any of it, he wants her to be happy again. He's said it to her once and to himself countless times that nothing in the world mattered to him more than her happiness. Even if that meant he wasn't in her life anymore. That thought left a hollow feeling inside of him, but he didn't care. 

"Do you want me to go?" He spoke the words so tentatively and softly that he wondered if she even heard him. 

But, she turns to him with a small smile and shakes her head. "Why would I want you to go?"

Barry hunches his shoulders forward and looks away. "I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable."

"Barry, I was the one who invited you, remember?"

"Yeah, but I don't want you to feel obligated since Wally invited Cisco and—"

"Barry?" she interrupts. He looks over at her tentatively and meets her steady gaze. "I don't feel obligated. I want you to be here."

The relief washes over him and he can let his shoulders relax. "I'm glad."

"We can do this. It doesn't have to so hard."

Barry swallows thickly, feeling the nerves jump just underneath the surface of his skin. He wonders if he should ask, hesitating. But, then it was dishonesty that brought them here, to begin with so he pushes past the discomfort and looks at her again. "What exactly are we doing?" he asks softly. 

Iris bites her bottom lip and he can't help let his eyes flicker to the plump skin. He opens his mouth to take a breath before forcing himself to look away. Forcing himself to not let his thoughts get carried away. 

Her voice interrupts his mental scolding. "We are…trying, I suppose."

"Trying what?" 

"Trying to…make this work again. The right way."

Barry nods. "I just want you to know, Iris. I have no more secrets from you. Truly, I don't."

She heaves out a heavy sigh and looks at him straight in the eye. "I believe that. I do. I think I just, need time to ease into it. After the pregnancy scare, I just need to feel a little more secure. And not just with you, but with myself. I need to know that I can handle things better and learn from everything that has happened."

Barry feels the shame encompass him as it does every time he thinks about that. Learning that Iris had gone weeks thinking she was pregnant and not being able to tell him just about shattered him. He understood the pain in her eyes was more than just about his lies but the fear of bringing a child into a sham of a relationship. But it wasn't a sham. He truly loved her and even through the pain, he believed it in his heart that she loved him too. She was just afraid. 

"You know, the last couple of months has helped a lot though," she says. He pulls out of his morose thoughts. 

"Yeah?"

She nods with a slight smile. "Yeah, I think I feel better about things. I realized I hadn't really forgiven myself for what happened to Eddie and I feel like I'm at peace with that. And with us."

He bobs his head and smiles tentatively. "I'm really happy to hear that,” he says genuinely. 

Her eyes flicker to the space between them before she slowly inches closer. "I know," she whispers. And even though the light music and the chatter of the party, Barry catches her words. He follows her gaze to where their hands are now only an inch apart, their thighs not too far either. He wants to touch her, but he holds his breath instead, letting her take the lead. 

Just when he thinks she would leave the distance between them, her pinky carefully lifts and settles on top of his own, her brown skin covering his pale one. He curls his pinky into hers as he lets out a shaky sigh, too quiet for her to hear, but enough for her to feel it on the skin of her hand. 

"Hey Iris?" he says softly.

"Yeah?"

"I'm really glad you know. Even if-even if you had to learn most of it on your own." He peeks up at her from under his lashes, only to see her already looking at him. He wants her to know the relief he feels knowing that she’s in his life, knowing that she finally got to see him. All of him. 

"Me too." She smiles softly. "And before you say anything else, I know. I already know."

She looks at him for a moment, her eyes flickering across his face and he wonders what she sees. "I worry about you, you know," she finally says. 

Maybe that should surprise him, considering how much he hurt her, but then again this was Iris. He knew that no matter what was going on between them, she would always care. It's just who she was at heart and he was lucky enough to fall into her radar. 

Ever since she caught him outside CCPN, they had met up a handful of times, laying it out all on the table, so to speak. They had reached a newfound sense of understanding and purpose with their relationship moving forward. It was slow and tentative, but Barry cherished every new memory with her with hope in his heart. 

He smiles are her softly, the warmth of her words filling him up. "You don't have to. I'm not the same guy I was."

"I can see that already."

She begins to lean into him and Barry feels his heart stop in his chest for a moment, holding his breath. He knows she won't kiss him but still, it was a closeness he didn't have in what felt like a long time. Too long of a time. Even when they were still together, he had been distant at times, keeping her at arms length every time he thought there was a new lead. Every time he thought he got close to the killer, the further he wanted Iris from it all. 

But now, here they were and the last thing on his mind was the case. He found that having Iris there with him, helping him, he felt more at peace than ever before. He was crazy to ever think he was better off, crazy to not realize how looping Iris in would have made both of their lives easier. 

"Seven! Six! Five! Four!..."

The crowd around them begins counting down, but Barry pays no mind as Iris brushes her lips near the corner of his mouth. He lets out a shaky breath as he turns and nuzzles against her face. He doesn't dare try to kiss her. 

And if he was being honest with himself, at that moment, cocooned in their own world where it's just the two of them, Barry was perfectly content. Being in her orbit, feeling her love in every touch as they healed from past sorrows, he knew they would be ok. They would make it. They were Barry and Iris, after all. 

The Gold Standard.

“Happy New Year!”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for making it to the bottom, would love to hear your thoughts!


End file.
